2005-03-16T06:56:00.000-08:00

went to roommate's new place, she's moving out this week. it's a great apartment, like a garrett, a hassock, an elevated cabin. verne, her cat, is gonna love it. lots of wood paneling and beams.

two more weeks of teaching these poor cretins. and i have to come up with a final exam and finish grading their papers by wednesday. yikes. i wanted to be done with it all by today. why am i so slow? no going out after workshop for me tonight.

the girl made me a scarf, crocheted it over the holiday. said she did it to think about me. i'm not scared of her supposed love or admiration for me, but i don't want to hurt her. i'm not getting a good response from anyone i spy cameltoe talk to about this. everyone cringes and hisses and makes me feel awful when i say that i like her and all, but damn i need a lover, not a girlfriend. and this girl - i can't teach her how to love me. she'll never get it. plus even trying ruins all the fun. i like her, but i don't want to take care of her. she's a baby. a very sexy baby who makes me feel tough and cool and smart, but all the same, a baby who reminds me of how i used to be when i was in 7th grade. very shy, no self-confidence, so easily hurt and let down, apologetic, thinking everything's her fault. she doesn't take risks - well, the only risk that caught my attention was when she had the guts to tell me that she liked me, that day i met her.

but - please tell me if i'm wrong - i think we are just using each other for sex. she wants experience, and i need sex that bad. i hate the way she touches me, so gently it's like a gnat buzzing on the other side of the room. hello. i've even told her that I like pain, that i want her to hurt me. no response. i know i should be more honest, but all the same, when we are alone everything seems okay and i get lazy and enjoy being with her. am i compromising myself? sure. but is it worth it, for me to be openly gay in the workshop? hells yeah.

and it's not gonna stop me from having eyes that wander, either. i'll be honest about how i feel only when the opportunity to be with a woman of my dreams presents itself.

am i an awful person? this is pre-coffee. happy channukah. i'm bringing gelt and dreidles to workshop, since ours has a whopping four jews, the highest percentage in all the program.

i need to crank out 50 lines of iambic pentameter by wednesday...

hardcore.

rerun

aside from realizing that diego reminds me of rred, and frida reminds me of mimi ;) the highlights of my trip to boston include:
1. acquiring a mini-mini little-girl's school uniform pleated skirt (that will look so fine with my red pumas and knee socks just like a toons :)
2. safeguarding, for a glorious moment, at the airport, this wonderful poet's leatherman. she's butch but has no idea. my oh my. who else would forget to leave a pocketknife at home when taking a plane.
3. seeing my sister at her workplace in harvard sq, charlie's, having a beer with my parents, and her slipping me a very fine motherload of greenery, channukah gelt, which came in this long tube-like stem that looked as if it entered this country through someone's backdoor,
4. and not getting searched on my return flight
5. yum
6. reading up at the israel bookshop in coolidge corner, hiding from the old loud-farters and singing along to the roisterous accordion folksongs
7. finding a pack of american spirits in my 4am cab to the airport
8. ogling the hotties on the T
9. new scent: marc jacobs. for men of course. no more vetiver or seseido
10. white elephant, green curry.

nyspringwood